1. To understand the grieving process
2. To apply techniques to help children become resilient after a loss
3. To find healing and hope after even the most heartbreaking loss

Matthew 5:4: “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

Two Sisters’ Grief

Jesus loved to be in the home of Lazarus and his two sisters, Mary and Martha.   He had tender affections for this family, and would often find rest in their peaceful home in Bethany.   Spending time in Lazarus’ quiet home was very meaningful to Jesus, especially because His pure life was a disgust to the Pharisees, who were typically suspicious and jealous of Jesus.  The Pharisees, though notable for the strict observance of the traditional and written law, did not accept Jesus who came to earth to show us how to live in obedience to the law.  But the household of Lazarus was receptive to Jesus’ teachings.

On an ordinary day, Mary and Martha became worried about their brother Lazarus.  Lazarus had developed a sudden illness.  His sisters sent a message to Jesus saying, “Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick”(John 11:3)  The sisters were certain that their brother would be healed.  After all, they had witnessed Jesus healing all kinds of diseases over and over again.  And furthermore, they were Jesus’ friends, so they were confident that Jesus would sympathize with them.  However, Jesus did not go to Bethany immediately as they had expected.  Meanwhile, Lazarus was barely holding on to life.

When Jesus received the message from the messenger, He said, “This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby”(John 11:4).  The disciples who were with Jesus at that time were surprised that Jesus didn’t seem troubled by the message, and that He did not head to Bethany with the messenger.  The disciples knew very well that Jesus loved Lazarus.  However, for some time, Jesus appeared to have put the message about his sick friend out of his mind. This mysterious behavior of Jesus troubled the disciples.

After two days Jesus decided to return to Bethany.  Now the disciples were not sure that He should go back there since the Jews were bent on stoning him to death.  But Jesus had no concern for His own safety because He had complete trust in His Father.  During this period of time, unknown to the disciples,  there was mourning in Bethany because Lazarus was now dead.  Jesus, on the hand, said to his disciples, “Lazarus is sleeping.”  The disciples were pleased to hear this, thinking Lazarus was doing well.  Then Jesus said plainly, “Lazarus is dead.  And I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, to the intent ye may believe; nevertheless let us go unto him”(John 11:14, 15).  Now the disciples couldn’t really understand why Jesus allowed his friend to die, but they still followed their Master to Bethany.  They trusted that, in all that seemed very complex, Jesus was still in control.

Upon arriving in Bethany, Martha sought after Jesus, and when she met him she said, “Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.  But I know that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee”(John 11:22).   Jesus assured Martha that her brother would rise again.   He said, “I am the resurrection, and the life”(John 11:25).  And, while Jesus was still where Martha had met him, Mary also approached him.  Weeping, she fell down at Jesus’ feet, saying unto him, “Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died” (John 11: 32).  When Jesus saw her weeping, as well as all the Jews who had followed Mary to comfort her, he also wept.

Jesus felt the sorrow that this family was experiencing.  He was made in our likeness and experienced hunger, thirst, tiredness, and sorrow too.  Though he had the power to prevent this sad scene from occurring, He had reason to permit Lazarus to die.  Had he been present with Lazarus while he was sick, it would have been impossible for Lazarus to die, for Jesus is the Lifegiver.   Even now, with Lazarus being dead for four days, Jesus was planning on giving evidence to all who were present, if they would believe, that He was the Lifegiver.

1. Think about a time when someone you knew died.  What were your thoughts and feelings?
2. What belief did Mary and Martha share regarding  Jesus and death?
3. Do you have reason to believe that Jesus loved Lazarus in spite of the fact that he tarried when asked to come to his aid?
4. Was Jesus responsible for the death of Lazarus?  Why, or why not?
5. How does this sad story take a new turn? (See John 11:38-45).
6. How do you feel knowing that if you die trusting in Jesus, the Lifegiver, He will resurrect you?
7. Lazarus’ death was unexpected.  We cannot always determine when we will die.  Ecclesiates 12:13, 14 say, “Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter:  Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.   Why is it important to follow this counsel while life lasts?

Why children experience grief

Grief is a very normal human response to losing something or someone that was loved, valued, or appreciated.  Grief is a feeling that God never intended for His children to experience.  Had Adam and Eve obeyed the law of God, God’s people would never have felt the pain of grief and loss.  Since we live in a world full of sin, children, too, are not exempt from the pain associated with grief and loss.

There are many reasons children may experience grief.  Grief can occur after a major loss that results in a lingering sadness, as in the death of a loved one.  Children can also experience grief from the loss of a pet, or something else that they deem very special to them.   Other factors that can contribute to children’s grief include having to say goodbye to a friend who is moving away, the divorce of, or abandonment by parents, and simply observing loved ones grieve.  No one can discount the difficulties involved with grief.  However, God has not left us without hope. “God has provided a balm for every wound. . . . The Holy Spirit will give you clear discernment that you may see and appropriate every blessing that will act as an antidote to grief. . . . You will realize that Jesus’ love and grace are so mingled with sorrow that it has been turned into subdued, holy, sanctified joy” (White, 1977).

How children express grief

How children respond to grief may depend on various factors surrounding the loss.  These include the cause of loss, who it involves, whether they experienced previous loss, and the maturity level of children.  Since each child or situation is unique, the response to grief will be different.  Cognitively, they might have trouble concentrating, making decisions or becoming easily confused.  There may be nightmares, a lack of motivation, or a decline in school performance.  Emotionally, children tend to go in and out of the grief process, crying one minute, then playing the next. They may also be unsettled, express anxiety about the safety of others or feel responsible for their parents.  Physically, children may feel sick more often, experience headaches, stomach aches, tiredness, lack of energy or hyperactivity.  There may also be changes in eating habits and sleeping patterns.  Spiritually, children will be curious about death and dying and may ask a lot of questions accordingly.  Socially, it's common for children to either withdraw from family and friends, or become more dependent or clingy. They might also attempt to take on the role of an older sibling or adult who has died.  Behaviorally, they might show more challenging or demanding behavior as they try to get care or reassurance from you.  Themes of death may show up in their drawings or play.  There may also be a regression in behavior like wetting the bed.

What happens if grief is not dealt with appropriately 

Grief in children is sometimes a temporary experience.  However, if grief is left undealt with and left to linger, it can lead to mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety.  Research suggests that parents may play an important role in determining if a child’s grief will be prolonged (Bryant et al., 2020).  Although there are a wide range of factors that may influence how long children experience grief, the sooner parents help children navigate through their difficult times of loss, the shorter their grief period will be.

What you can do to help grieving children

Most people would agree that they would prefer not to mention the loss that caused the grief of children.  For example, they may find it difficult to talk about the truths that might accompany a death. So, quite often they may avoid words like "dead" or "die," or try to shade over the truth about how a person died in a desire to protect children.  However, children need to know the truth surrounding their loss.  When they are not told the truth, this creates other problems.  Although it may be challenging to share the truth about how someone died, honest answers build trust, help provide understanding, and allow children to feel comfortable approaching trusting adults with questions to gain a knowledge of the truth.  Children know more than we think they do.  A failure to tell them the truth will leave them at risk of having to process complicated information on their own, rather than with the loving adults in their lives.

Younger children tend to blame themselves for their loss.  It can be very helpful to them if adults help them to process their thoughts and worries.  Having  dialogue with children about a specific loss and the emotions associated with the loss impacts children’s imagination in a positive way; there is the avoidance of making a bad situation worse.

Here are simple yet powerful ways to help grieving children:

• Use open-ended questions, for example: “I’d like to do something to help bring awareness about your loss, so would you like to be a participant?  What ideas do you have?”
• Reinforce assurances of safety and security, even if teens don’t express concerns.
• Maintain routines and set clear expectations, but be flexible when needed.
• Allow for expression of feelings without trying to change, fix, or take them away.
• Answer questions honestly.
• Provide choices whenever possible.
• Adjust expectations for concentration and task completion when necessary.
• Assist teens to connect with support systems, including other adults (family, family friends, teachers, coaches).
• Model appropriate expressions of grief and ways to take care of self.
• Encourage physical activity.
• Normalize feelings and fears.
• Encourage group discussion.
• Reduce academic requirements.
• Resume routine activities when possible.
• Talk about the relationship between behavioral issues and traumatic events.
• Discuss safety measures.
• Provide opportunities to connect to larger communities.

1. Have you ever experienced a loss in your life?
2. What feelings do people experience when they lose something or someone special to them?
3. What happens to people when they die?
4. Who do you talk to when you’re sad?
5. How do you feel after talking to someone about your problems?
6. What would you tell your friends if they lost something or someone?
7. Share an activity you would likely do if you were grieving.
8. What Bible text brings you the most comfort?

Grief:  unresolved sadness, lingering sadness

Resurrection:  the rising of the dead at the Last Judgment; Christ’s rising from the dead.

Mourning:  the expression of an experience that is the consequence of an event in life involving loss.

“Song is a weapon that we can always use against discouragement [and grief].  As we thus open the heart to the sunlight of the Savior’s presence, we shall have health and His blessing” (MH, 253).

SMALL GROUP ACTIVITY

Below are some scripture texts.   Choose the one with the lyrics that appeal to you.   Then turn your lyrics into melody.  Feel free to repeat phrases of the scripture song to help your memory.  The last, and best part is that now that your group has a beautiful scripture song memorized by singing it repetitively, IT IS TIME TO PERFORM BEFORE YOUR CLASSROOM AUDIENCE.  You can do it acapella, with musical instruments, or instruments that you have created.

Psalm 33: 8, 9 — Let all the earth fear the Lord:  let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him. For he spake, and it was done; he commanded, and it stood fast.

Psalm 40: 1 — I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

Psalm 51: 15 — O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.

Psalm 57: 2 — I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me.

Psalm 143: 1 — Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications:  in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

Dear Father in Heaven, your words say that you are always with us. Thank You for your Son Jesus who died for us.  Help us to remember that You will never leave us nor forsake us.  Thank You for the joy we have in knowing that You love us.  Continue to support us and keep us.  We ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.